Epitaph
I know the title to this week’s blog is not a bucket of giggles but stay with me for a smidge because this small, yet powerful word made a big difference in my life several decades ago and the story is uplifting (at least to me) and not depressing. We have enough of that going around right now and I refuse to add to the mess.
The Webster’s dictionary defines Epitaph as: “an inscription on or at a tomb or a grave in memory of the one buried there” and “a brief statement commemorating or epitomizing a deceased person or something past.”
An epitaph is a short text honoring a deceased person, (often inscribed or engraved on their headstone, monument, memorial plaque, gravestone, tombstone or cemetery marker). It usually includes the person’s name, dates of birth and death, along with a meaningful quote or Bible verse.
Some funny examples of epitaphs include:
The comedian Rodney Dangerfield’s that says, “There Goes the Neighborhood.”
TV host Merv Griffin’s: “I will NOT be right back after this message.”
Voice over legend Mel Blanc’s: “That’s All Folks!”
Some meaningful and powerful ones include:
Martin Luther King’s: “Free at Last, Free at Last, Thank God Almighty, I’m Free at Last.”
Joe DiMaggio’s: “Grace, Dignity, and Elegance Personified.”
Winston Churchill’s: “I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.”
Typically, an epitaph is a short (very short) summation of the person for which it is written. It is incredibly hard to come up with something that is respectful, relevant, honoring and touching in about 10 words or less. For me it is, anyway. I probably think it through too much but in my way of thinking once you engrave it in stone, it is there forever. You really aren’t writing it for them as much as you are for the people that may come and visit the grave site.
I think there are two kinds of people when you come to settling their end-of-life activities. The first is people who really want their funeral to be a big deal, and they want to make it a big event while the second group typically chooses to be low profile and doesn’t want you to go through a lot of expense and time. Both are equally not living anymore but their last wishes could be worlds apart. As a good family member, you want to honor their wishes regardless of how you might look at these things. I know of people that go to the cemetery frequently to visit a grave site, and I know of others who have never gone since the funeral.
Today’s blog will be about a time where I was asked to write an Epitaph for my dad and the life-changing moment it created in my life (and his) and how this has had an impact on me to this day as I have had the opportunity to do the same for other loved ones and friends.
But First…A Joke:
Back in the Wild West, three cowboys (two from Ohio State and one from Michigan) were about to be hanged for stealing cattle. The lynch mob brought them to the bank of a nearby river and planned to string them up from a branch over the water. That way, when the men died, they would just drop into the river and float away.
The mob put the noose around the first cowboy’s neck (Ohio State #1), but he was too sweaty that he slipped right out, fell into the water, and swam away. When the mob strung up the second cowboy (Ohio State #2), he also slipped out of the noose and got away. As they pulled the third cowboy (the Michigan guy) toward the noose, he hesitated and asked, “Hey, would you tighten that noose? I can’t swim!”
Bonus Dad Joke:
My wife said I was immature. So, I told her to get out of my fort.
A Verse to Contemplate:
For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. Ephesians 2: 8-9
Have I Told You This One?
Not too long after I moved to Atlanta, Georgia in 1984 I was attending a men’s conference at my church, First Baptist Atlanta. The church had engaged a gentleman by the name of Dave Simmons who had just started a family ministry titled “Dad the Family Shepherd.” The purpose of the ministry was to assist men who were dads or were going to be dads from a biblical perspective. It dealt with how to break generational sin and focused on the importance of being the leader your family needed you to be and what God expects a good leader to be.
At the time, I was not a father yet, so I was doing a bit of preparation work for when my turn came. I wanted to be a good dad. I knew how to be a father, but I wanted to get some confidence and direction on how to be a DAD.
My main goal in attending conferences is trying to come away with a few things that I didn’t know before and some ways I could apply them to my life. No one has all the answers but getting good coaching is never a bad idea. But at the time, I didn’t know what I didn’t know if you catch my drift. I was at the beginning of this part of my life and was hungry and curious for knowledge.
The conference started out with a lecture and then we were broken up into smaller groups. Even though I am an extravert, I loathe having to go through the awkward parts of meeting complete strangers and trying to get deeper conversations going. But I also hate pregnant pauses, so I am usually the one who tries to break the ice.
The major assumption that I started with (and discovered that I was very wrong) was that all the guys at the table had a pretty good dad when they were growing up. A dad that loved them, pushed them, protected them, taught them, provided for them, and led their families well. As I heard testimony after testimony, I quickly realized that the dad I had, that hardnosed tough tire-making dude I called dad, was WAY better than I had given him credit for. Yikes! Some of these stories were awful and brutal. As I continued to listen, I was struck with how difficult it must be to be a dad, especially a GOOD ONE. I was actually struggling with that definition of “good dad.” One of the group exercises was to write an Epitaph of your father and you could only use about 20 words. Wow, that was challenging and hard, but it made me do a deep dive into the kind of dad he was to me which was a life changing event.
As the conference went on throughout the weekend, I gained more respect for Wayne P. Rutledge and became more and more thankful. I realized that he really was a GOOD ONE and that I probably wasn’t even close to thanking him for all his hard work and sacrifice.
When I got home after the close of the conference, I called dad back home in Ohio. Typically, when I called, he would say “Just a minute, I will get your mom” and put the phone down. This time I said “Dad, I want to talk to you this time, not mom.” Like a true parent, he says, “oh, what’s wrong?” I said, “Nothing is wrong, but I want to thank you for all that you had done for me and the family and apologize for not letting you know this sooner.” He was stunned and did not know what to say but did get out a “thank you.” I told him I loved him, and we hung up (side note: dad was not much for long talks on the phone).
A few days later mom calls me up and asks, “What did you say to your father a few days ago?” I thought he must have taken it poorly, but mom went on to say that he was walking two feet off the ground with a smile on his face telling her what a great son they have! Aw shucks! I didn’t say it for that response, but it definitely was a bonus. Dad never showed that kind of emotion in front of us. I was glad it touched his heart.
Forty years later I have raised three of my own kids and have experienced how difficult it can be at times to be a GOOD ONE. I hope that I have been a GOOD ONE for my family. I know that every parent messes up and none of us will ever get it done perfectly and I thank my girls for their patience and forgiveness when I fall short. This is not complaining, BUT, if you look at how dads are treated and portrayed by the society it is a wonder any of us ever get it right. In the movies and TV shows dads are always the bumbling idiots or jerks. In church on Mother’s Day the women get flowers and showered with praise (as they should!). You know what dads usually get on Father’s Day? A book on how to be a better dad.
Granted, there are a lot of men that have failed miserably as husbands and fathers, but I know of a lot of men who are trying very hard to be the best for their families. It is not an easy job for sure, but you have to get up and get after it every day. There is no time for whining and moaning about how hard it is.
My dad passed first (in 2012) and as a veteran he was buried in a national cemetery just outside Akron, Ohio. When he passed, I was given a one-page template to help write his Epitaph. In one sense it was easy because the choices were so limited, but it was pretty basic. Date born, date died, branch of service and that he was a beloved husband, father and grandfather. Done. Then mom past three years later and she was buried in the same place, and I got the same template to write hers. Both of them “deserve” so much more. If I wrote what I wanted to write, the headstone would have been 30 feet high and cost a million bucks!
What do you want yours to say?
A Prayer:
Heavenly Father, You know pain better than anyone. Thank You for sustaining me in my suffering. Nothing I experience here on earth compares to eternal life with You.
Book Recommendation:
Discipline Equals Freedom by Jocko Willink (2017).
Music Recommendation:
The Key by Michael Gettel (2005)
Quote of the Day:
“I used to be quite the athlete - big chest, hard stomach. But that’s all behind me now.” - Bob Hope