In The Ocean?
Okay folks, buckle up. This post may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but it may make you giggle and snort a little bit. Given all that’s going on lately, that may not be the worst thing to happen to you today. I am willing to take one for the team and tell tales about myself, because, well, let’s face it, I have a LOT of material to choose from!
Like every story you will need some of the background to fully appreciate the level of idiocy you are about to endure. The two main characters in this tale is me and my late wife Michelle. There is a theory out there that opposites attract and that approximately 70% of all marriages comprise couples that are opposites. Michelle and I were one of those for sure.
My precious wifey was a beautiful, funny and quite proper lady. She did not take any crud off people very often and her idiot husband was a bit of a handful. He didn’t have a real strong filter and did and said some pretty crazy things over the years. For whatever reason, she kind of dug me and our opposites seemed to offset each other pretty amazingly well.
For example, she could be very direct with people, and I would try and kill them with kindness. She taught me and I taught her that there were two ways to get things done and over time it made us both better for it. She seemed to think I was funny and would get a kick out of me. She would get asked “frequently” if I was an escaped mental patient and she would smile, pat me on the head, give me a biscuit and tell me to go play with the other kids.
I liked making her laugh and shake her head about the things I did and spoke. She got so used to it over the years that I really had to come up with something new and shocking to get a rise out of her. Challenge accepted!
Another part of the story that will make it more interesting was part of my medical history. I know you don’t want to hear about any of this but stick with me for a minute. When I was in my thirties, I was getting severe pain in my gut that would come and go and doctors had a few theories on what it might be. I was traveling in Tennessee one week and I ended up having an attack in the middle of the night. I drove myself to the nearest hospital and it was determined that my gallbladder was kaput and needed to be removed. No offense to the lovely people of Cleveland, Tennessee but I wanted the folks in Atlanta to do the operation, so I went back home and set up an appointment with a surgeon. In his exam he told me that it was not that big of a deal and that he did a bunch of these operations every year. In fact, he said that we really didn’t need a gallbladder and I would be fine except for a few “minor” possibilities. I replied, “No offense doc, but I’m pretty sure that if God put it in me that there was a reason it was in there!” I was also very curious about this “minor” things that I would need to deal with.
He patted me on the head, gave me a biscuit, and said that the gallbladder is used to create bile that helps break down food in the body in the digestive process. He also said that the biggest difference I had to get used to was that “when it is time to GO, you’ve got to GO!” At the time, that didn’t seem to be that big of a deal and took him at his word (as if I had a choice).
I have the surgery and as he predicted everything went very smoothly and I was up and back at it pretty quickly with a nice new 10” scar on my stomach. Onward and upward, I went and didn’t give it much thought until I started travelling hard again and found out that he wasn’t wrong on the “when you’ve got to GO, you’ve got to GO” part as well. I did seem to get a warning when things were heading south. I would get the infamous “gurgle…gurgle...gurgle” in my gut that let me know that the fun and games was about to arrive.
I had to think “strategically” on what I ate and if I had enough time to get near a restroom once the said nourishment hit my colon, if you get my drift! It was kind of odd to be sitting around with other 30-year-old folks and talking about having to have a restroom in close proximity. I felt like I was a 60-year-old guy. I like to think that I was just ahead of my time.
Today’s blog will be about one of my prouder moments when Michelle and I were caught short once the gurgles hit and the stroke of ingenuity, I used to save the day. Like I said earlier, BUCKLE UP!!
But First…A Joke:
A man suddenly realizes that he has to go to the bathroom and to his delight he finds a public restroom close by and charges into the stall. He discovers that there is no toilet paper. He notices a pair of shoes in the next stall and asks, “Excuse me friend, do you have any toilet paper in there?”
“I’m sorry, no,” comes the reply.
“Do you have any newspaper?”
“Sorry, buddy, I do not.”
“Umm, do you have two fives for a ten?”
Bonus Dad Joke:
Q: What are the four worst words you can hear on a golf course?
A: “It’s still your turn.”
A Verse to Contemplate:
Finally, brothers and sisters, mend your ways, be comforted, be like-minded, live in peace; and the God of love and peace will be with you. - II Corinthians 13:11
Have I Told You This One?
So, back when the Covid-19 pandemic was just starting and before everyone got illegally trapped in their homes, we decided to take a trip to Kiawah Island, South Carolina for a relaxing week on the beach to enjoy the sun, water, fun, and quiet of a two-person vacation. We were having a great time, and the beach was not crowded and at times it felt like we had the place to ourselves, which is always nice.
We would get up in the morning and go for a long walk along the beach and then go back to our villa and get our stuff ready for a day on the beach. I was the pack mule and would drag all the beach stuff down to the beach, set it up, and then call for the Queen to take her place on her sandy throne. Some days we would pack food and other days we would walk up to one of the restaurants near the beach for a quick bite. We repeated this scenario for several days and I have to admit I was really enjoying myself. It’s one of my favorite places to go and the company was awesome.
This one particular morning we decided to increase our morning walk to a place several more miles down the beach. It was much more desolate, and we were up for the challenge to get our steps in early that day. On the way to the end of the beach, we decided to stop at this little breakfast place (MISTAKE!). We had a nice meal with good conversation, met a few other people from Atlanta and then we decided to hit the beach to finish our walk. We made it up to the end of the beach and hung out there for a while and then headed back down the beach toward the villa to get our gear for another day of doing nothing on the beach.
Well, we get to a spot that there is not much around when the gurgles first hit. I stop in my tracks and mention to Michelle that I think breakfast has made it to my colon and that we need to pick up the pace. She looks at me and asks, “You’re going to make it, right?” I reply, “less talkie, more walkie!” She now has that concerned look in her eye, as do I.
We walk a bit farther on and I’m starting to get a little cocky that I think I might make it. Right up until the next round of gurgles kick in. This time they were much angrier with me. We pick up the pace, but it is becoming all too clear that I am NOT going to finish the walk as previously hoped. I get all serious and tell her that I’m in big trouble. Of course, given our past, she thinks I’m yanking her. I assure her in no uncertain terms that she couldn’t be more wrong!
“What are you going to do?”
At this point my choices have been wilted down to (1) in my pants, or (2) In the Ocean. She starts to laugh between talking and blurts out, “In The Ocean?” I assure her that I have thought of every possible alternative and that, in fact, those are the two up for consideration. She quizzes me just to make sure she actually did hear me right, “In The Ocean?”. Yes honey, your husband is going to poop the ocean!
It buckles her. She is on one knee and can hardly breathe as she sees me head for the Atlantic. She starts looking around and thankfully she does not see anyone. I wade in to my ankles and she urges me to go back further, she is now rolling on the ground in laughter. I reach waist level and see urges me to go deeper. She can’t believe this is happening and urges me to go back a bit father. I now know she is trying to drown me. I can’t wait any longer and reach down and drop my drawers. I was pretty impressed at my dexterity in being able to hold on to my clothes, do my work, and avoid the floating evidence that the waves are trying to send my way. I look into the beach, and she is yelling “Watch Out” (like I needed that advice)!
I make my way out of the water, and she is beside herself. I mention that it was funny the first 50 times she laughed but now we just need to forget this ever happened and more on with our lives. As if that was ever going to happen! So, yes Virginia there is an ocean pooper from Georgia, and he has presents.
You are welcome. I hope your day just got a little better.
A Prayer:
Heavenly Father, it is so true - I am fueled for life when I cease running and rest in Your Prescence. Thank you for being patient and waiting on me. Please continue to draw me near to You in a way that I will not be able to resist.
Book Recommendation:
The Greatest Generation by Tom Brokaw (1998)
Music Recommendation:
Superunknown by Soundgarden (1994)