Planes, Trains & Fake Cheese

Stories about traveling are always a good time. Everyone that has ever traveled has one, I’m sure. I have quite a few due to my forty years of traveling primarily in the U.S. I would like to share a few “adventures” with you today on this version of my blog.

Story 1

One of my all-time relatable movies was Planes, Trains & Automobiles with Steve Martin and John Candy. It came out in 1987 and was a comedy about two very different guys trying to get home for Christmas and the misadventures they endured while traveling.

My son-in-law Alex and I decided to plan a trip to Columbus, Ohio last fall to see an Ohio State football game at Ohio Stadium (The Shoe). Alex is a Florida fan and we have had fun over the years giving each other the business about our favorite teams. The Big 10 versus SEC stuff eventually comes up as well. I wanted to take Alex to a game BIG 10 style and some day he is going to repay the favor and take me to The Swamp to see a game. I got us some tickets to the Maryland game in October and we set out on a Friday morning to be sure we made it to Ohio prior to the noon kickoff on Saturday and then would catch the first flight back on Sunday morning.

Alex requested to take the 6:00 am flights up and back. I looked at him very strangely and asked “Are you sure?” He said yes and so I booked the early flights. To catch that flight, I was going to have to be rolling toward Hartsfield no later than 4:00 am. Not my first choice but okay. So off we go, He looks at me when I pick him up and asks, “Why are we leaving so early?”. I reminded him that it was HIS idea and not mine for which he immediately claims amnesia. Oh boy.

Our next issue is that we pull into the offsite parking lot and they don’t have my reservation. They take twenty minutes and say “Here it is!” You are at the other lot a mile down the road. We hurry toward that lot and once there we can’t find any open spots and burn another half hour looking for a spot and waiting on the shuttle bus. Once we get to the airport we go through the doors and the end of the line is right there. There is no way we are making this flight, and we do not.

We try to make the gate anyway but the plane left us in Atlanta. We are placed on standby for the 8:00 flight and long story short, we don’t make that one either. We head toward the Sky Club now to get an early lunch and I get us put on “guaranteed standby”, whatever that is, on the noon flight and we get placed in some lovely middle seats for the two-hour flight to Cleveland. I end up on the last row on the plane or what I like to call Le Palace de Poo Poo (more on that later). The flight is thankfully uneventful, and we land and get on the bus to go to the rental car lot. It takes us another hour to exit since the car rental place apparently assumed one trainee was enough for a Friday afternoon. The original idea was to do a little sight-seeing before heading down to Columbus. That had to wait since we got in so late and had plans for Friday evening in Akron. We end up staying the night with my nephew and his family and enjoyed our stay and sharing the couch with their two dogs. Traveling can be so glamorous.

Since the game is a noon kickoff, we get up yet again at “0 dark 30” and head for Columbus. It’s a perfect Ohio fall day with a little nip in the air but sunny. I look at my wimpy son-in-law from Florida all wrapped up in a parka with gloves and the works. I tease him un-mercilessly and remind him that the Ohio folks are pretty hardy and prepared him that he may look out of place. We easily find a parking spot that didn’t cost $50 and go there in time to tour around and check out all the stuff going on outside the Stadium. We head to our seats in C deck and get ready. I am sitting next to a now famous “STEP” on the aisle. It must have been made an inch or two higher than the rest of them because almost everyone trips as they are heading up the steps. It is like watching a toddler walking around with an open cup and just waiting for them to topple over and spill it with the exception that it is going to be spilled on ME. Alex has a big laugh until the inevitable happens. A lady is walking up the steps holding nachos and a thing of fake cheese to dip them in. As she rolls by me, she trips and balances herself on my shoulder and as she regains control, she bends down to say something to me which I thought was going to be “I’m sorry.” I was right but she added “I’m sorry, I just spilled all this cheese all over the back of your jacket!” Awesomeness.

The Best Damn Band In The Land comes out and does their thing which is great and then the Bucks come roaring out for the game. During the game, we get all four seasons of weather. We got rained on three times. Then the sun came out and dried everything up and then it got cold and then it got windy. Now Alex is comfy warm in his parka and I’m freezing my rear end in my light jacket! He just smiles and I can’t look at him.

The game is close into the third quarter, and I threaten Alex that if they lose this game, I’m never bringing him again. They pull away late and we get a victory for our troubles. We head back to Cleveland but make a stop back in Akron. I told Alex that he had to try out my favorite places to eat in the old hometown, Stricklands Custard and Luigi’s Pizza. While at Luigi’s we had to wait at least an hour outside and then we were seated. As soon as I got comfortable a very inebriated lady decided to fall into ME and knock all the stuff on our table to the floor and then stagger away. Awesomeness.

The next day we get up early again and head back to Atlanta on another 6:00 am flight. I think we slept ten hours total the whole weekend but had a memorable time.

Story 2

I travel a good bit and I belong to a number of frequent customer programs that give you “free” stuff after you use their stuff a certain number of times. One of my favorites is the free upgrades on Delta Airlines. It doesn’t happen every flight but once in a while I will get moved up from my coach seat to a Delta Comfort or a First-Class seat. It certainly makes the trip better to sit in bigger seats with more leg room.

Michelle and I were traveling back to Ohio together and as we are sitting and waiting for the flight to board, I got a notice that I had been upgraded, just me. I started teasing her that I hope she enjoys the back of the bus while I will be relaxing in my upgraded seat. I was kidding of course and offered it to her. After my teasing she would not have taken that seat if it was the last one on the plane. So, I talked myself into this seat and Michelle claims that she is….FINE! I know she isn’t but now she has leverage on me and when they call for my section to board, she insists I get on. I get on and I have a window seat. I usually sit in aisle seats because they are more comfortable, but I figure it should be fine. It wasn’t. A man and his sister are sitting on the aisle and middle seats. He is 400 pounds if he is a pound, and the lady is 250 easy. I am now completely squashed up against the window and have half a seat to park myself in. As the coach section is boarding Michelle takes a look at me and my new friends and starts to hysterically laugh. I look at her with the “I hope you are enjoying yourself” look on my face. It made her day for sure.

This fella is so big he can’t buckle his belt even with an extension and the lady is sitting sideways in her chair to try and fit. You may have noticed, I’m not a small guy either. She looks at me and says, “I’m sorry” and I tell her that I’m sorry for her and having to be stuffed in between us. When the flight attendants come by with snacks, he orders three Bloody Mary’s and three of each snack for himself. He can’t place the tray back flat, so he just puts it on his stomach and sister’s tray.

All the while, I hear a baby screaming for the entire flight. Not crying but screaming like she just got put into scalding water! So far, the trip is fantastic. We land and deplane and I wait for Michelle to rub it into my face about my new besties. She looks at me and asks, “How did you enjoy your flight?” I say that it was miserable, “How about you?” She lets me know that the crying baby was her row mate. We were both VERY glad to be off that plane.

Traveling is so much fun though!

I have one more story to relate that is an all-timer.

But First…A Joke:

Several men are in the locker room when they’re startled by the sound of a cell phone on a bench ringing. A man answers on speakerphone. Everyone else in the room can’t help but listen.

Man: Hello?

Woman: Honey it’s me, Are you at the gym?

Man: Yes.

Woman: I’m at the mall now and found this beautiful dress. It’s only $1,500. I really like it - can i buy it?

Man: Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.

Woman: I also stopped by the Audi dealership and saw the new models. I saw one that is just perfect.

Man: How much?

Woman: $60,000.

Man: Okay, but for that price I want it with all the extras.

Woman: Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000.

Man: Well, go ahead and make a bid, but just offer $900,000, and negotiate from there.

Woman: Okay, I’ll see you later! I love you!

Man: Bye. I love you, too.

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. He smiles and asks, “Whose phone is this?'“

A Verse to Contemplate:

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be satisfied - Matthew 5:6 (NASB)

Have I Told You This One?

Okay, last story for today. Unfortunately, I have a bunch of these to share.

On a trip back to Atlanta some time ago provided by our good friends at Southwest, I got the privilege of riding in seat 31F. Do you know how many rows are on a Boeing 717-200?...that's right, 31. Want to guess what the last seat in each row is...Right Again...F. So 31F is literally the last seat on the plane.

However, It is a "special" seat because it is a window seat that does not have a window. That's right...it is the crappy seat BEHIND the seat that has a window that looks directly at the engine. So, when I asked this morning what seat they put me in...the ticket agent couldn't look me in the eye (she was so ashamed) but offered me the Crisco upgrade. Curious, I asked what that was and she said for $25 they would grease me up with Crisco and slide my 6'1 250ish pound body into a seat designed for a 5'1 100 pound woman. I passed but shouldn't have.

So 31F, or what I like to call Le Palace de Poo Poo is jammed into the back bulkhead so I can't recline my seat, but guess what? That's right, the person in front of me can! So now my seat capacity has been cut in half and I can't put my tray table down without slicing my abdomen in two. What else is great about good ole 31F?...I get to see and meet everyone on the plane because I'm right next to the bathroom. We can also figure out what they had to eat recently thanks to the pungent aromas wafting from the lavatory. But that's not all!..It is so loud that I thought I was at a Deep Purple concert (my hearing is expected to return sometime over the weekend).

After a lovely breakfast of Bischoff biscuits and Diet Coke I got to know the two gentlemen beside me in 31D and 31E (they refused the Crisco upgrade too but shouldn't have). The first gentleman must have been very tired since he used my shoulder to sleep on in between sucking the rivets out of the walls with his snoring (poor baby). The other gentleman must have a bad digestion track since he decided to share his premature bowel movements with the rest of us in Le Palace de Poo Poo.

At the end of the day, all was not lost because I got to pay full fare for this joy ride. You know, the price business travelers have to pay, not the fare that they give out to families taking the neighborhood to see the mouse in Orlando. To top it off, I got to watch another fellow traveler try and jam a mattress and a dead yak in the overhead that I had placed my recently pressed sport coat. Guess what that looks like now!?

There I am done. Please place your seat backs and tray tables in the upright and locked position as we get set to leave this thrill of a lifetime.

Love and Kisses, Mark..

A Prayer:

Heavenly Father, help me to praise You during my tests and trials, knowing You are with me in the middle of them with me. With each test I face, teach me to trust You more.

Book recommendation:

Finishing Well (What People Who Really Live Do Differently!) by Bob Buford (2004)

Music Recommendation:

461 Ocean Boulevard by Eric Clapton (1974)