Hey there, What’s Your Sign?

As a child of the 60’s and 70’s, I can remember the tacky ice breaker from those days. Looking back sometimes, do you ever ask yourself, how did any of these silly things ever work? It always seems dated and laughable on so many levels. You see a lovely looking person and have an urge to get to know them or perhaps your idiot buddies are razzing you to go talk to them. You can say ANYTHING, and you come up with “Hey there, What’s your sign?” Pressure makes fools of us all sometimes.

But one of the “rules” of dating, as I vaguely recall, is to use whatever works if you really want to meet someone. Why would it matter on what date you were born? Your dad and mom got a bit amorous nine months before that date and here you are into the big old cosmic mix. What God designed you to be and what he decided to gift you with takes precedent over the month of the year it happened to be, but that’s just me.

As hard as it is to get up the courage to give it a go, I would much rather be the ask(er) versus the ask(ee). Ladies, I’m sure you have heard some Loulou’s. I respect those of you that let the potential Don Juan down easily, but it must be exhausting.

I had it pretty good in my short dating career. When I first started getting interested in the finer, beautiful young ladies I noticed in school it was much simpler. You could find out who her friends were, and they might help you discover if there was any interest. You could ask them to go to an upcoming dance. You could tell that one girl in school “Hey, you can’t tell anyone this, but I have a thing for so and so”, knowing full well that within the next hour the whole school would know. But overall, it wasn’t that hard if you had a little confidence. Nice hair didn’t hurt either, or abs, or dreamy blue eyes, or puppies, or enjoying long walks on the beach, or good cologne, or a car, or a job. The way the hormones were running around, you pretty much had to be able to fog a mirror and you were “in play.”

I, if nothing else, was full of confidence back in those days. I had a more direct approach. I had determined in my mind that I was going to set my target on the varsity and leave the junior varsity to some of the others. Now, before you get all mad and call me sexist let me just say….I know, that is very sexist, but may I remind you that we are talking about the 1970’s and things were MUCH different then, which is the entire point of my blog today. I was still a teenager and a rebel without a clue and to be honest, the ladies were just a clueless (in most cases). We were all trying to figure this out on the fly. One of the head scratchers for me as I compare current times with earlier times is that many do not seem to allow for changes and hold people to a different standard without considering that the times are not the same (but I digress).

I met the woman who would end up being my wife when I was fifteen and she was fourteen. Honest to God, I looked her up in the school yearbook and called her and asked her out to a school dance for Valentine’s Day. I had briefly met her at a football game before I started playing in them and remembered her. It was a total shot in the dark and we were together until 2021 when she passed. That usually doesn’t happen. I get it. As much as I would like to think I was all that and a bag of chips, I know, I hit a homer at my first at bat.

I had a THING for Linda Ronstadt back then and Michelle reminded me of her. Petite, beautiful, great smile could sing well. I found the girl of my dreams and my dating “career” was pretty much over at that point. I did date some other ladies from time to time, but I already knew that they were interested in me, so I never really had to do much searching.

Todays blog will be about a very interesting conversation I had with a friend who had lost her husband around the same time I lost Michelle and the notes we shared regarding dating in our 60’s. Not 1960, OUR 60’s and how things have changed so much since those “innocent” days of yore.

But First…A Joke:

A mad scientist made a clone of himself, but something went wrong - all the clone wanted to do was stick his head out of the 10th story window and shout obscenities at passersby on the sidewalk. The scientist, seeing no other option, pushed the clone out the window. He was arrested for making an obscene clone fall (It’s all in the delivery folks!).

A Verse to Contemplate:

It seems foolish to the Jews because they want a sign from heaven as proof that what is preached is true; and it is foolish to the Gentiles because they believe only what agrees with their philosophy and seems wise to them…But God has opened the eyes of those called to salvation. - I Corinthians 1:22, 24

Have I Told You This One?

Last summer I went back to Ohio for a high school reunion. It was my first time back since Michelle had passed away. It felt very odd to be there (or anywhere) without her by my side. At the party I met a friend who had unfortunately lost her husband around the same time, so we were both in the early stages of grieving losing our high school sweethearts. Not a club you want to be in, but none the less we were card carrying members at that point. I saw her and gave her a hug and told her how sorry I was for her loss, and she did likewise to me. I also told her that if she ever wanted to talk to someone to please know that she could call me anytime.

Around the holidays I was back in Ohio, and she noticed on Facebook and sent me a message asking if I would like to get together for lunch and have that talk. I was very thankful that she had reached out and we set up a time and place to meet.

We met up and got a booth and ordered some lunch. We had some small talk to catch up and then we started “comparing notes” on what it was like to lose a spouse and to go through the process of redefining who you were at 60ish. We had a lot of common experiences and concerns and it felt really good to finally talk to someone that was going through all the tough days as I was. Until you have to go through this you don’t realize how damn hard it is and how alone you can feel.

We talked for a couple hours and then she hit me with a question that honestly, I was not ready for at that time. She asked, “Have you started dating anyone yet?” It hit me straight between the eyes. My answer was “no.” I had not allowed myself to go down that road yet. Frankly, I didn’t know if I ever would.

I am a trained Stephen Minister. In Stephen ministry you walk alongside people who are going through difficult times in their lives. Not to provide solutions as much as to be a sounding board and to be someone who cares about them at a very hard time in their lives. One of the things I trained others on was that it is wise to not make any large financial or relational decisions for at least two years after losing a spouse or a divorce. At the time, I thought that seemed like a very long time, but now I see the wisdom in it. I told my friend that for the first year and a half or so that if I even would dare think of that, it made me feel like I was cheating on her. Technically I know that is not true, but that is the way it felt. I was what the Bible calls a one-woman man, and I had been for my entire 39 years of marriage.

I asked her if she had started dating and she told me that she had. I asked her how she met people and she told me that she had met this fella through on-line dating sites. I nodded my head but inside I cringed. Not at her, but at the thought of having to start dating in the electronic age as a 60-year-old. I had been out of that life (gladly) for fifty years. It sucks being alone, but is it worth it? She is a sweet friend and she encouraged me to think about it and give it a go “when I’m ready.” How will I know when I’m ready? Being alone isn’t all bad. I have a ton of autonomy and freedom that I have never had before. I am retired and have more time than I have ever had before. When I was younger, Michelle and I looked at everything as “ours.” We were building something together. We didn’t have 50 years of baggage to compensate for. Our kids were just that, our kids. Oh man, for a person that is an over-thinker this is a major hurdle for me.

I’ve seen in some of my friends that have lost spouses and have remarried that they are happy, and it seems to be working out great for them. Given that second marriages have a fail rate of around 70% that is quite an accomplishment.

I can’t see myself walking up to some 60-year-old grandmother of five now and asking her what her sign is! You know what I mean? I have a hard time seeing me going to one of these on-line dating sites. The ones I’ve been shown, a lot of the women apparently are buying shirts that are a few sizes too small which can’t contain their chest which is blowing out the buttons on their shirts. Let’s face it, I’m not going to be leading with the cards I used back in the day to see if anyone is interested in the Rutmachine either. This is all a brave new world for a guy who isn’t all that crazy about a ton of change in his life. I’m old fashioned and I try and live my beliefs. I feel like a lot of the world has dismissed people like me and gave me the finger as they passed by.

I think I’m getting ready to go back out and look. I’m not sure if what I really want is out there and it is a bit daunting. Relationships are extremely hard work to do it right. I feel I have something of value to give but I’m not sure what I value is all that valuable to many others anymore. I’m not saying that for a sympathy grab but just to point out that dating in 2024 is a bit different than 1974, which is not news to anyone, I’m sure.

Anyway, I am excited to see what the next big adventure is going to be. Let me ask a question, does writing on a piece of paper “do you want to go on a date?” with two boxes to check, either yes or no still work? Just asking for a friend.

A Prayer:

Heavenly Father, fill my heart to overflowing with Your love and open my mind to Your wisdom.

Book Recommendation:

When There Are No Easy Answers (Thinking Differently About God, Suffering, and Evil) - John S. Feinberg (2016)

Music Recommendation:

Ten by Pearl Jam (1991)