My Escape from the Tyranny of the Urgent

Have you ever done some hard self-reflection and in a moment of true honesty asked yourself “What are my true priorities in life?” Not what should they be but what they really are based on how you live your life. What do I truly value? What do I put most of my time into? What do I put most of my treasure into? Could I prove that in a court of law to a jury of my peers? Could I even convince my family and friends? Am I even being truthful to myself when answering the question? Who benefits from me being in their life?

Since my wife passed nearly three years ago, I have had a lot of time to think and self-reflect and wrestle with these questions and others like it. I do have a tendency to “over-think” things, but I think it is good to ask yourself or to be asked by others tough questions that require an honest answer and try and become better.

Growing up I did not like to sleep. I thought I would miss out on something if I was wasting my time in the rack. I normally got by on five hours a night or so. It used to drive my parents nuts. My room was right across from theirs and I would be up until around 2:00 am most nights doing something until dad would charge into the room and remind me that he had to get up at 5:30 to go to work. I would realize that I was a spastic and turn the radio down and put the vacuum cleaner away. The next morning, I would jump out of bed, run some water over my hair, brush my teeth and then get out and get after it.

I’ve been a very driven person from as long as I can remember. I do not know what caused that. If it was feeling inferior, if it was a fear of losing, if it was a fear of failing, or if it just was a huge need to succeed at everything. I didn’t want to be average, I wanted to be at the front. Growing up in a hard-working town I thought that meant outworking everyone and doing whatever it took to be better. Another issue was that I was a “people pleaser.” It’s hard to be driven and have people like you. It can cause a LOT of anxiety and disagreements.

I enjoy reading biographies and autobiographies. Especially of people in business, sports, entertainment that have pushed all of their chips into the middle of the table and said “I’m all in.” I have been too careful in my life and always had a Plan B to fall back on. Not those folks, they went for it at 100% and I have always admired that in successful people. This leaves to a balancing problem because I want a foot in both worlds. There are costs to be paid for either decision or path you follow.

Over time I developed and lived my own version of “success.” At different intervals in my life, it has looked differently. In school, I wanted to get great grades (not just good grades). I wanted to be one of the best on whatever sports team I was playing on. I wanted to make money so I could have my own independence. I wanted to date the very good-looking girls. I wanted to be the first to graduate from college in my family. I wanted to go to work in a suit and not in lamp black stained pants and shirts. I had a weird goal of never punching a time clock. I wanted to travel and see the world because I had rarely been out of Akron as a kid. I wanted to live in a big city and experience that way of living. By the age of 25, I had accomplished all of these things. The problem was is that I thought it was going to take a lot longer! Perhaps my goals and priorities weren’t as big a deal as I first thought.

My wife and I started our family when I turned 27 and we had three children in five years. My girlies and my family were now a priority and I wanted to give them the best that I could. I was traveling all over the country and gone a lot. My workdays were consistently 14 to 16 hours long. The bills were increasing on the nice home, cars, vacations and private schools. I thought if I could outwork everyone to get ahead then at some point things would level out. I knew I was missing out but my goals to succeed and achieve was taking over. The more I did, the more I wanted to do and experience. There are still just 24 hours in a day, and I was squeezing everything I could into each day as possible. Looking back, I seemed to equate busyness and value. It was starting to take a toll, but I was determined to succeed. If only a day could be increased to about 30 hours I could get a little sleep.

In my mid-thirties I read a small but influential book called “Tyranny of the Urgent” by Charles E. Hummel after a recommendation from some guys at church who were running the race like I was. The tyranny of the urgent refers to the constant pressure we feel from immediate tasks and demand, often overshadowing what’s truly important. I was certainly caught in the tyranny of the urgent and needed to prioritize my life so that things felt back in synch. How hard could that be? Umm…REALLY HARD.

Today’s blog will be about My Escape from the Tyranny of the Urgent. What it took for it to happen and how it has changed me. How I now distinguish between urgent and important tasks. Urgent tasks being those than demand immediate attention, while important ones contribute to long-term goals.

But First…A Joke:

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he knocks on the door and inquiries about the dog. The dog’s owner whistles and calls, “Harry!”

Harry the dog runs over. “So,” the prospective buyer says to the dog, “what kind of life have you led?”

“A very full one,” Harry responds. “I’ve lived in the Alps, where I recued avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Afghanistan. Now I spend my days lecturing at schools and reading to nursing home residents.”

The guy can’t believe it. He asks the owner, “Why would you want to sell this incredible dog?”

The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did half of those things!”

Bonus Dad Joke:

Q: Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees?

A: Because they are very good at it.

I’ll show myself out….

A Verse to Contemplate:

My dear brothers and sisters, be strong and immovable. Always work enthusiastically for the Lord, for you know that nothing you do for the Lord is ever useless - I Corinthians 15:58

Have I Told You This One?

In John 17, Jesus declared, “I have finished the work which Thou gavest Me to do.” His example teaches us to focus on what matters most, rather than succumbing to the urgent demands of the moment.

I decided I needed to focus and prioritize what I was doing so that I could come back to a balanced life. What’s the first step? I need to better understand my priorities. What they should be versus what they are. As I understand it a person’s priorities should be in the following order: God, family, health, friends, and work. Mine were not in that order so I started to do things that would re-prioritize my life.

One of those things was joining an accountability group with like-minded men that were striving to do the same as me. We started meeting every Saturday morning about 25 years ago. My top four accountability items were the following: (1) Building true sabbath into my life and making it a priority, (2) Focus on my thought life and make it pure, (3) financial accountability, and (4) build a relationship with my brother. All topics were “in play” but these four would be asked about every Saturday morning and I was to give a report on how those went for the week. I recently found some old notes from the first time we started meeting and I was somewhat surprised when the top four were pretty much the same 25 years later. Trying Ain’t Doing!

I also starting a reading program including books on time management, relationships, finding balance, sabbath plans, and many others. Apparently, I thought buying the books and putting them on my office bookshelf was good enough because I didn’t have time to read them because I kept volunteering for new things that filled whatever gaps in my time I had opened. I was an elder at church, coach, mentor, speaker, missionary, neighbor, father, husband, son, brother, social activist, home repair person, and many other “urgent” titles that “needed” done by me and me alone! Busy = Value, right?!

For years I talked with my buddies and was challenged by them to find space and sabbath in my life. I would nod my head and promise to do better. I did incrementally improve but honestly did not fully commit to change because I didn’t want to change. What else could it be?

On August 22, 2021, the life I was living and the identity I had spent 60 plus years inventing stopped. The love of my life was called home to eternity, and I was all of the sudden alone with a lot of questions and very few answers. I do not believe for a second that He brought her home to “slow me down” but His plan will be worked, and this is all part of that.

I worked for the first year after she passed but decided to retire at the end of 2022. I found it very difficult to concentrate and just didn’t feel the overriding need to succeed anymore. I thought that 40 years was enough and that it was time to do something different. I didn’t know what that was, but I knew I didn’t want to continue doing what I was doing. So, after 62 years it was time to re-invent me. I have zero idea of how that is supposed to work. My original plan was to heal up physically, spiritually and emotionally and determine what my next steps would be. Two years later I’m still working on it.

What I do know is that I am different (stop laughing!). Different in a lot of ways from what I was before. The “old me” was very extroverted and loved being around people. The more the better! I liked telling stories and listening to stories. Catching up with people was always fun. I would hardly ever “run out of gas” and would likely be the last one to go home. Now I’m different, WAY different. I am not nearly as social as I used to be. I run out of gas a lot quicker and being around a lot of people makes the walls close in on me. When that hits, I just need to leave and be by myself.

A very good friend in my accountability group told me that I had hurt his feelings because I left his birthday party recently without saying goodbye. I apologized and told him that I didn’t mean to hurt him but when it’s time for me to go, I got to go. I hope he understands but frankly there is nothing I can do about it at this point. When it’s time, I’m gone. I’ve never been this way, so it is very hard for me to deal with. My introverted friends nod their heads when I explain this to them, they get it. I feel like I’m in a pitch-black room searching for the light switch.

On the positive side, I am quite comfortable with my decision to retire and to take almost all activity out of my schedule. I do not miss the work grind. I thought I would, but I do not. I do not miss being stuck in traffic several hours every day. I do not miss deadlines, flight schedules, dealing with difficult clients and co-workers. Just drive down I-75 toward Atlanta if you want to see some people who are stuck in the tyranny of the urgent. I’m not sure what’s next, but I can guarantee you it is not that for yours truly!

I now take the time to ease into my day by taking an hour or so and reading my Bible and other books. I pray slower and longer. I see things differently. I try and prioritize and distinguish between the urgent and the important. I plan just enough social interaction to not make me uncomfortable. I have built a sabbath day into my schedule where I shut off my phone, television and computer and just sit and be quiet. It’s harder than you think. I plan for important tasks even if they don’t seem urgent. I have learned to sit on my hands when people ask for a volunteer. I focus on my long-term goals and give someone else a shot (even if I think I can do it better!).

In closing, I want to share a recent experience God allowed me to have to let me know that He is in all of this. I was serving on a Tres Dias weekend and during one of our meetings we got word that one of our friends, a pastor, had fallen during a service while preaching and was being rushed to the hospital in an effort to save his life. It turned out that he had been declared dead but revived at the hospital from a heart attack at the age of 43. We prayed, his church prayed, his family prayed, and God answered those prayers and he survived. In fact, on the way home from the hospital he stopped at his church and spoke with the congregation! I ran into him over the weekend, and we sat down and talked for a while. I couldn’t believe I was looking at him and speaking with him. He shared the experience with me and how it has had a major impact on what is important to him. I gave him a hard handshake and hugged his neck and told him how happy I was for him and how I was looking forward to seeing what God had planned for him after this.

As I was walking away, I realized that it took me losing almost everything to slow me down too. It is still a daily battle, but the scales have indeed dropped from my eyes about the tyranny of the urgent. I do not feel less valuable because I’m not running myself ragged anymore. I’m hopeful of the future but a bit stuck and lost at the moment. God is with me (and you) in our lives. Let’s help each not to miss the important for the urgent.

God Bless!

A Prayer:

Heavenly Father, lead me to Your deep well of love. Teach me to know the difference between the empty pleasures the world offers and the true contentment I can find only in You.

Book Recommendation:

Balance - A Story of Faith, Family, and a Life on the Line by Nik Wallenda with David Ritz (2013)

Music Recommendation:

Texas Sugar by Chris Duarte (1994)