Naked at the Mall
First of all, this is not a story about a really weird dream after eating pizza right before bed with a NyQuil chaser. With Mother’s Day coming up I was trying to remember a story about some of the special women in my life that are mothers and this one popped into the odd and disturbed memory banks of yours truly.
My late bride Michelle and I started our family after about five years of marriage. When we got married, I was still finishing my degrees at the University of Akron, and she was clerking at the Akron probate court. We were paying the rent, filling the gas tank of one car, buying a few groceries and setting aside $20 for our date night on Friday evenings. After we were married, I finished my undergrad studies after a year and a half of marital bliss, and we decided in move to Atlanta where we thought the grass might be a bit greener for us.
Once we got to Atlanta, we both found work. I was trying my luck as a valuation consultant with an international valuation company headquartered in Milwaukee, Wisconsin and Michelle went to work as a legal secretary for a large law firm in the Georgia Pacific tower in downtown Atlanta. We were paying rent. filling the gas tank of one car, buying a few groceries and setting aside $20 for our date night on Friday evenings (sound familiar?). We were also setting aside as much money as we could in savings to purchase our first home.
We started our “Family in Five” plan which was our initial five-year plan in 1982 as a couple trying to establish a little place in the world for some more Rutledge’s. Lord knows we needed a bunch more of those! By 1984 in Atlanta, money was extremely tight (as it had been our whole lives up to then) but it felt like we were making progress and were on point to be successful in completing our five-year plan. The big points of the plan were (1) to get established in Atlanta, (2) find some good jobs and get into a good financial position, (3) start a family with some children, and (4) Shock the World.
We were blessed with our first child in 1987. Now, you may be thinking that we were right on schedule. However, the original plan was to start trying to have children after five years. Instead, we were parents almost right at five years. Close enough for us! We were very happy, and we had accomplished the first three mileposts and were working on the fourth. We had purchased our first home in the northwest suburbs. Child number two and three arrived over the next three years and by 1992 we were a family of five. I talk with some friends, and we all shake our heads and wonder how we did it all but back then it was like a big adventure. Being in my twenties and early thirties didn’t hurt either!
The promotions and raises started to happen at a good pace and once our oldest daughter was getting ready to enter school, Michelle decided that she wanted to be a stay-at-home mother and pour into them through education and other means. It would be a financial hit for sure, but we both agreed that this is what was best for our family.
Being able to look back on it now just makes it seem pretty crazy but when you are both pulling on the same side of the rope as a team with clear goals and the right motivation, it isn’t really all that tough of a decision. Like many before us we were dedicated to make it work and with God’s help and vision it was happening.
However, it is not without its challenges. Over time, the grind is difficult and increasing the kiddy pool to three had an exponential impact on the effort and lack of sleep and other fun things to do. I was traveling quite a bit at that time which left Michelle flying solo a good deal of the time. She didn’t complain (a lot) but I could tell it was taking its toll on her and I wanted to do nice things as often as possible to give her breaks. I didn’t say I was great at that, but I tried.
Today’s blog is about one of those times I tried to be a good hubby to my favorite girl and found myself Naked at the Mall as a result! Stick around, I think you’ll get a snicker out of this one.
But First…A Joke (or three):
I had been out drinking on St. Patrick’s Day, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I’ve never driven a bus before.
What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter? Quack! Quack! Quack!
What’s green, has four legs, and if it fell out of a tree, could kill you? A pool table!
I’ll show myself out…..
A Verse to Contemplate:
Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up - Proverbs 12:25
Have I Told You This One?
In full transparency, I can become laser focused (stop laughing!) at work and traveling and things like Mother’s Day gifts on this particular year “snuck” up on me. I was heading downtown for work one morning and someone on the radio stated that it was getting late to get Mother’s Day gifts. Instant anxiety! I had let deadlines and other responsibilities have higher priority than I should have. But the next commercial would save the day. There was a day spa company in Atlanta that was advertising couples massages for Mother’s Day and one of their locations was at a mall that was only a few miles from the Rutledge Estate. BOOM!
I whip the Family Truckster into the mall on my way home and buy the Couples Message “package” which came in a nice red card. In my mind, this was going to be MUCH better than the cheesy card and Kroger flowers which was my usual.
Again, in full transparency, I had never had a massage and I never wanted a massage. The reality that I had now placed myself as a working part of this gift was starting to settle in. My only prior knowledge of massages was what I saw at the YMCA downtown when I was a little guy. Some big ole boy in all white working somebody over on a table. I had also noticed that there were a number of massage places around in retail areas that all seemed to be operated by folks from the Orient. I had also heard that those massages were quite different from what I had signed up for. Okay, now I’m really apprehensive. The time rolls around for our trip to the day spa at the mall. Michelle is pumped and I want to get a root canal or anything else than go to this thing. What had I done?
We head to the mall. I’m looking around to make sure no one I know spots me and at the same time I’m smiling at Michelle and saying things like “Isn’t this fun?” If there ever was a time, I wanted to hear trumpets and see Jesus coming back through the clouds, it was NOW.
As we walk into the spa (in the mall), we are met by a couple Swedish looking people, one male and one female and are introduced to them and asked which one we would like to do the massage. I instantly hit panic mode. I definitely don’t want the dude, but I don’t want to be rude so being a gentleman, I let Michelle pick first. Thank God, she took the dude and not the lady! So, me and Elsa head to the room and Michelle and Hugo head to the one next door.
Ms. Elsa tells me to get undressed and get on the table and she will knock before she comes back in to let me know she’s coming back to start. She also takes out a few pieces of a removeable wall and I see Michelle in her room (I guess this is why they call it a Couples Massage). She can tell I’m freaking out and starts laughing. I ask her, “Am I supposed to be naked?”. She gulps for air and says, “No, you big dummy, keep your skibbies on and get under the towel. I relax a bit, that makes sense. I can still hear her laughing and snorting.
Ms. Elsa knocks and turns on some New-Agey music and explains what is going to happen and starts the massage. I look in the next room and I’m not thrilled that Hugo is putting his hands on my wife (and I’m paying for it!). What have I done!
The lights are turned down and as she is doing her thing I instantly relax and start to enjoy this. In fact, I’m really frightened that I’m going to enjoy it WAY TOO MUCH (If you catch my drift). For the next hour I try every trick I know. I think about baseball, Dorthy Fuldheim (IYKYK), anything to keep my mind from going where it REALLY wants to go. At the end, it is so good that she had to wake me up. I felt like I would slither out of there like a snake. Yikes, it was awesome. I look over at Michelle and she is likewise. I snicker at her and say, “Happy Mother’s Day and thank you for all you do for us”. She told me to shut up and quit killing her buzz.
So that’s how I ended up Naked in a Mall. That was my first and only time. The next Mother’s Day I went back to a cheesy card and Kroger flowers.
A Prayer:
Heavenly Father, I receive Your gift of today. Help me to joyfully carry out Your will in all I do today. Give me a heart of thanksgiving even in the difficult times.
Book Recommendation:
Never Walk Away - Lessons on Integrity from a Father Who Lived It by Crawford W. Loritts, Jr. (1997)
Music Recommendation:
Wes Bound by Lee Ritenour (1993)