How to Make Everyone Leave a Super Bowl Party

The 59th Super Bowl is coming up this Sunday and as usual, the teams I root for are not in it. The runner-up prize is that I have been invited to a big party with good friends to watch the game, see the commercials, eat a bunch of yummy food and tell a bunch of silly jokes that I hope get laughed at. I’m looking forward to going, even if the Browns are 0 for 59 in making it to the Big Game.

Let me ask you a question. Have you ever hosted a party or attended one that there are just some people that are not in a real big hurry to go home? Monday is a workday, you still have to clean up, do dishes, put leftovers away, etc. but there is somebody (or maybe multiple somebodies) that are having too much of a fun time to call it a night even though the game was decided a quarter ago and two-thirds of the people have already bid adieu and headed into the cold February night.

You’ve tried everything that you know of to get the message across that it is getting very close to closing time and last call was an hour ago! You’ve gotten desperate and dug out all of the Yoko Ono records only to hear them singing along with the wailing and bellowing. You’ve started excusing yourself from the room and the interesting conversations on how they would’ve handled the blitzing linebackers from the weak side of the formation and started to clean up. Maybe even starting to turn lights off. Or, as my dad used to do, not say anything and leave the room and go to bed. I’m sure we’ve all been there at some point. If you can’t remember a time like that, you were probably in the Yoko One fan club and are really bad at grasping a clue.

In my toolbox of things to clear a room I am the proud owner of the ultimate story that has never failed in getting the job done. Others “think” they know what it takes, but this Tire Builders kid from Akron, Ohio is the undefeated champion at making people look for their coat and gloves.

One of my favorite comedians, Brian Regan, has a bit in his “I Walked on the Moon” DVD about being at a party and joining in some conversations only to find out that he had encountered the “Me Monster.” The Me Monster is the guy or gal that can’t wait for you to stop telling your story so that they can immediately one up you with their more exciting tale thereby discounting your story. In this bit he asks “what would it be like to be an astronaut that has walked on the moon knowing no matter what story ANYONE tells, you have the clincher for the evening by waiting for the Me Monster to stop telling his or her story so you can drop this line…” I walked on the moon!!” The Me Monster is instantly defeated, and the floor is yours for the rest of the party.

In the same vein, my room clearing story has a similar impact. Once I share this baby, people no longer feel like hanging around and head for the exits. The host or hostess gives me the affirmative head nod and whispers a big “Thank You.” Now that I am retired, I have thought about renting my services out to friends and family. After you hear my “How to Make Everyone Leave a Super Bowl Party” story, please let me know if you are interested or know of someone that could use a little help. Prices vary.

But First…A Joke:

Mark was walking home from his neighbor’s Halloween party when he heard a strange noise behind him. Thump, thump, thump, thump. When he turned around, he saw an upright coffin thumping down the street. Nervously, Mark started walking faster, but he still heard thump, thump, thump, thump behind him. Soon he was running, and the coffin picked up the pace too, Thumpthumpthumpthump. Then Mark ran for his life, faster than he ever did before but the coffin was right on his heels! “Help!” Mark screamed, but no one responded. At last, he made it to his house. He dashed inside and tried to slam the door, but the coffin got in, too. Up the steps Mark ran, with the coffin following. Thumpthumpthumpthump! Mark ducked into the bathroom and started grabbing things to throw at the coffin as it neared the top of the staircase. A hair dryer (stop laughing), razor, toothpaste, toothbrush - he lobbed them all at the coffin to no avail. Now the coffin loomed in the doorway, blocking any escape. Desperate, Mark tossed some cough drops at the coffin…

and finally, the coffin’ stopped.

Bonus Dad Joke:

Q: Why do scuba divers fall backward out of the boat?

A: Because if they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.

A Verse to Contemplate:

Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us - Hebrews 12:1

Have I Told You This One?

When I was coming up through the ranks at my first job at American Appraisal Associates, I was consistently looking for ways to show those I reported to that I was ready to take on more responsibility and move up to the next levels in the firm.

One particular year we were hired for several engagements to value chicken processing plants throughout the country (I don’t like where this is going Rutmachine!). This involved going inside the operations and valuing the machinery and equipment. There was a lot of consolidation going on in the industry, so I was asked to do enough of these that the guys in the office started referring to me as “Chicken Man.”

As part of proving myself I also had to show that I could train someone and onboard them into the firm. We ran an apprentice model, so you had to perform to a level that provided confidence to higher ups before you got moved up.

One day my immediate manager comes to me and asks me to step into his office to discuss a new assignment that he wants me to run which also included training a new employee that was recently hired. I was excited that they were showing confidence in me and as the time came to meet, I prepared myself to take advantage of my big chance to shine.

As I walk into my manager’s office, I notice a new face. The department had been all men previously because not too many women were all that thrilled about hanging out in chicken processing plants, tire plants. foundries, etc. So, I was wondering if this was the newbie I had told was recently hired. To be honest, she didn’t look the part and did not fit the normal template of people working in my department. She seemed very proper; she was small in stature and from the looks of it had never been in a manufacturing plant of any kind in her life.

(Note: That part of the story tends to draw people in, the room clearer is coming).

My manager introduces “Lori” to me and informs me that she will be assisting me on assignments going forward starting with the chicken processing plant. I was thankful and grateful to the guys that helped me get going so I was more than willing to help her out. It just didn’t seem like the best fit but if she was willing to put in the work, I was willing to teach her the ropes.

The company we were valuing is a vertical operation, meaning they do everything from chicken houses to hatching to processing to waste management. A side note, there is nothing wasted in the process. As the valuation starts, we go to the houses then to the hatchery and she is holding up well. Then we go to the processing plant. This is where the “fun” starts! As we are sitting in the parking lot, I turn the car off and look to her and remind her that the client is paying a lot of money for us to be there and expects that we know what we are doing so if there any questions or concerns she needs to let me know now. She asks me if it very bloody because she doesn’t handle the sight of blood well. I said, well, we are going from live chickens to packaged parts ready for dinner at the end so yes there is a lot of blood. She gulps and I can see that she is uncomfortable. I decide to mentally walk her through the process and point out where the bloody parts are so that she can prepare herself to look away or brace herself. I reinforced that she needs to give the appearance that this is not her first rodeo even though it clearly was.

Lori, this is the way it works:

A truck full of chickens which are in metal coops are off loaded into a dark bin and the chickens are going berserk. The workers flip them upside down and put them on an overhead conveyor by their hawks. The processing line is going at a rate of 140 per minute (that’s a lot of nuggets!). They go past the killer which is a fast-spinning blade that cuts their throats. Then they are transferred through the blood tunnel which drains out all of the blood (you definitely do not want to look at that). Then they go through the picking area which is where they have all the feathers plucked off through a series of three high speed machines. Then they have their hawks removed and are transferred to the secondary processing area where they are gutted by an eviscerator and then a cutting machine cuts all the pieces off which go in different directions and are packaged and moved to the refrigerated warehouse to wait to be picked up and sent to the grocery stores.

She takes a deep breath, and we head inside. We take the tour, and it is all laid out exactly as I told her. As we get ready to go past the blood tunnel, I take a quick glance back and give her the heads up that it is coming, and she navigates it like a champ. She told me later that after that point she felt like she could handle it and that she mentioned to the others on the tour that we like to take souvenirs back to the office after we finish our work. As we continue the tour, I am trying to listen to our guide because it is very loud in there. All of the sudden I hear this ear-splitting scream. It clearly was Lori and I turn around quickly to see what was going wrong and she is frozen in her tracks. One of the other guys decided to place a freshly severed hawk on her shoulder as a souvenir and as she turned to see who was tapping on her shoulder she came face to face with the hawk and she lost composure for a tick.

As we get to the picking area, they are right in the middle of a shift and this room is armpit deep in wet feathers and I decide we will come back later and take a look in there after the cleanup crew completes its work in the third shift. We finish the tour without any more shenanigans and Lori and I sit down to discuss what we just saw. Her eyes were WIDE OPEN and this point.

We decide to go get dinner and then come back and inspect the picking equipment. As we head to dinner, I ask her if she likes to eat chicken, and she says that she does. I told her if you ever want to eat it again, you need to eat it tonight. She orders chicken at dinner, to my surprise, but didn’t have much of an appetite. We head back to the plant after dinner and do a quick inspection of the plucking room which has now been (mostly) cleaned up. As I’m walking around the equipment something catches my eye. It is a chicken that apparently had been thrown out of the process meaning it is likely dead because of where it was in the process. However, I swear I see it moving and I’m starting to get a little freaked out. I keep one eye on my work and one eye on the wet glob of chicken next to me on the ground. As I’m stepping away it feels like I’m in a bad horror movie and while I’m still looking at this “dead” chicken I see it move and at the same time I step on a severed head on the ground with my work boots. This is a family page so I can’t say what I said out loud but I’m sure you can muster a pretty good guess! After the chicken processing plant valuation experience Lori decided to transfer into the real estate department (good move!) and start her career in real estate valuation. I went on to learn a lot more about chicken processing plants that I ever wanted to know.

Depending on how much you want to pay to have your long staying guests removed I can emphasize the gory parts in detail. I hope you have a fun time this Sunday watching the Super Bowl and let me know!!

A Prayer:

Heavenly Father, lead me into repentance to remove any barrier that prevents intimacy with You. I ask for Your mercy and forgiveness. Cleanse me with Your grace and love.

Book Recommendation:

Searching For God Knows What by Donald Miller (2004)

Music Recommendation:

Wine on Venus by Grace Bowers and the Hodge Podge (2024)

Quote of the Day:

“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” - Albert Einstein

Cool Place to Visit:

Kiawah Island, South Carolina