The Slow Fade

According to my research on the Internet, grief fatigue is a common experience for those navigating loss. When we think of grief, our minds often go to the physical death of a loved one, but grieving can occur after any type of loss, whether it’s related to a job, a relationship, or saying goodbye to a cherished place or thing. The emotional weight of grief can take a toll on our bodies, leading to feelings of tiredness and exhaustion.

Grieving is hard work, and it has taken a toll on me and I’m sure my family as well. I have a strong personality which kicks in when things get difficult and I go into protector mode and try and be a leader in the situation. Sort of like when you’re on a plane and the turbulence starts getting wild. I immediately look at the flight attendants. If they are not afraid, it calms me down. But if they are stressing, I pull the seat belt a little tighter. Whether it is true or not, I feel like people are expecting me to step forward, so I do. I don’t want them to be alone or afraid.

There is a stress scale that was developed by two psychiatrists named Holmes and Rahe in 1967. They studied medical records of about 5,000 people and came up with a points system for 43 stress events in a person’s life. It ranges from 100 points for the death of a parent/spouse to 10 points for small violations of the law like a speeding ticket. You identify how many of the 43 apply to you and add up the corresponding points and if you score 300 points or more there was good correlation that you would become ill. I don’t even want to take the test because I know that over the last decade I would easily top 300. Somedays it feels like a could set a record for high score.

I’m not different from anyone else and at this stage of life the point totals are adding up. Over the past decade I have lost my dad, mom, wife and now brother. I have gone through many stresses with my kids and grandchildren. I retired from work and recently ended a three-year odyssey with the failing health of my brother up to his death last Saturday.

I know it is taking a toll on my health. I have a lot of things that need to be treated and dealt with and if I don’t get it under control it is going to turn (more) serious. As I reflect back on how I got to this point it really has been a slow fade over time. Mental health is the same thing. You can be strong and feel like you got a handle on things and then one day you realize that you have some issues that aren’t going away and you need to talk to someone about it. There are a ton of excuses not to do it but the longer it goes, the slow fade turns into a much bigger problem. Over time this results in grief fatigue and it is exhausting!

I was listening to the radio and a song came on that I had not heard for quite some time. It is called Slow Fade and is done by Casting Crowns which is a Christian rock band out of Atlanta. The lyrics are as follows:

[Verse 1]
Be careful little eyes what you see
It's the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings
Be careful little feet where you go
For it's the little feet behind you that are sure to follow

[Chorus]
It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It's a slow fade, it's a slow fade

[Verse 2]
Be careful little ears what you hear
When flattery leads to compromise,
The end is always near
Be careful little lips what you say
For empty words and promises lead broken hearts astray

[Chorus]
It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day.

As I looked back on my brother’s life (or anyone else for that matter) it is easy to be critical and ask questions like why did you do that? or why didn’t you do this instead? Others could do the same of my life. I was speaking with a counselor and a tool that they use is to get a client/patient to write a letter to their 11-year-old self.

As I thought through that I gave a lot of focus on what I would tell myself at 11 to keep me from making really bad decisions and what would I tell me to do to make my life better and fulfilling. There is a ton! I’ve met people that say they don’t regret anything and would do everything exactly the same because it made them the person they are today. Man, that’s not me. I have had a tendency to over think everything, and I am a pretty hard critic on myself, and I think it would be awesome to be able to go back and get some “do overs” based on what I know now.

As I reflected on my brother’s long battle with sobriety and its impact on me and others as well as my own struggles in life, I came up with a few things I would love to have another chance at getting “right.” I would like to share some of those with you in today’s blog.

But First…A Joke:

Being a great father is like shaving. No matter how good you shaved today, you have to do it again tomorrow.

A Verse to Contemplate:

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest - Matthew 11:28

Have I Told You This One?

As we got older my brother Allen always teased me when our birthdays would roll around. He loved to jab me that I was the oldest and he was the younger good-looking brother.

Allen passed peacefully last Saturday morning in his sleep. I had come to visit him several times this year in Ohio because his health was failing, and it looked like the end was close. I tried to be there because I didn't want him to be alone. My last visit around Christmas I knew it was going to be the last time before he moved on to eternity. He was heavily sedated, but I hugged him as hard as I could, I kissed him on the top of his head, and I told him I loved him and that I would take care of things.

We could not have been any different. He was very happy to be by himself or around just a few friends and I wanted it to be a big party with a lot of noise. We both looked at the world and approached it in completely opposite directions. We would both wonder out loud which one of us was adopted since there was no way we could be from the same parents, but we were, and we were both proud of it. 

I was bigger and older and always wanted to protect my younger brother. I could beat him up (and did) but you better not lay a hand on him, or you best be looking for me to finish it. One time when we were much younger, I pulled in the driveway, and he was on the porch and looked all beat up and I asked him what happened, and he told me he got jumped by some guys in a car. I told him to get in my car and we went looking for them. We found them and I jumped out of my car and dragged the driver through the window and kicked his ass. You do not mess with him...EVER. 

Our relationship was complicated but there was a love there that ran deep. When we were very young, we were inseparable and did everything together. Once high school started, we seemed to go into different directions. Underneath, we were always brothers even if we were not speaking. I hope he knew that I always had his back. 

We did have many things in common. Our love for the Buckeyes, Browns, Indians, Cavs. Dad ingrained music deeply in us and it was always amazing to look at his music collection and see so many similarities.

Three years ago, we were called three separate times to tell us that he was not going to make it. He was in ICU and on life support for two months. He was spared by the Almighty and given life back. I am convinced of it. That additional three years was so beneficial to me and to many of us that loved him. They were not easy years for sure and there were many challenges. He came and lived with me in Georgia for 8 months and we got to catch up on the 40 or so years that we had been apart. I loved it and hated it at the same time because I knew his time was short, but he fooled us all and got three more years. He was one tough little guy.

As a big brother I cared about him very much and wanted the best for him. I'm sure some of the ways I tried to show that were not accepted as that. It was frustrating because there were things I couldn't beat up and keep from his life. His battles with sobriety just angered me so much and I was sad that we couldn’t have a relationship like others I knew. I wanted to be close and do things together, but I just couldn’t do the things he did, and I wanted him not to want to do them anymore. I always lost that battle.

I'm proud of the way he fought and I'm proud to have called him my brother and yes, he knew how to push my buttons better than anyone. One of the greatest things to happen in the "overtime period" was that he asked Jesus Christ into his heart. That is such a relief to me, and I hope Mom, Dad and Michelle were the first to give him a hug and welcome him to eternity.

As I could list hundreds of things he could have done better that I believe would had made his life (and mine) a whole lot better, I turned the mirror on myself and asked the same questions. What would I tell my younger self to do better? DO THE HARD STUFF, MARK!

One of the main things I would tell myself is to be aware and cautious of the Slow Fade. Life experiences and decisions add up and impact us forever. The slow fade is so stealthy that you won’t realize it is going in a bad direction. Guard yourself with wisdom and have good people around you that will love you enough to have the hard conversations with you and do what they say. Do the hard stuff, Mark.

I would tell me that work is not who you are it’s just what you do. Don’t sacrifice so much for a company that will replace you in a week. Manage your time with the right priorities in place. Do the hard stuff, Mark.

I would tell me that trying to make everyone happy is never going to happen. Learn to have hard talks with people in love and kindness but it is impossible to make everyone like you. Do the hard stuff, Mark.

I would tell me that God has a purpose for me and has gifted me to do it. Don’t worry about tomorrow because today has enough of its own troubles. Live in peace with the Creator. Do the hard stuff,
Mark.

I would tell myself that I am blessed to have a brother and that the relationship was going to be challenging and to prepare to be pushed to the limit sometimes. I would tell myself that God has a plan and purpose for him too and that I need to be encouraging instead of controlling. Do the hard stuff, Mark.

I'm happy you are no longer in so much pain and are eternally free to enjoy life. I bet the music is awesome. See you soon brother, I love you buddy.

A Prayer:

Heavenly Father, I trust You when I face the unknown and praise You for walking with me through the valleys of life. Thank You for leading me to still waters where I can rest in You and restore my soul.

Book Recommendation:

The Men We Need by Brant Hansen (2022)

Music Recommendation:

The Altar and the Door - Casting Crowns (2007)